On Death

DEALING WITH DEATH

[Nyerges is the author of “Til Death Do Us Part?” a book about death and the many ways to deal with the death of a pet or loved one.  The book is available as a Kindle download, or from the Store at www.SchoolofSelf-Reliance.com]

When  a loved one dies, the close survivors often express regret that they didn’t spend more time with the departed, or tell them that they loved them.  Time flies, of course, and life always presents us with so many things to do. It’s easy to put off what’s important in life.

I also deeply love and value my pets, and have always considered them very much a part of the family.  As a child, I remember when our family dog Pariah was old and sick.  I could no longer walk him, but I would go into the back yard to pet him and feed him. Then one day when I came home from school, my father told me that he “took care of” Pariah. “What? Where is he?” I exclaimed. My father calmly told me that the local pet hospital “euthanized” Pariah.  “What does that mean?” my teenage-self replied.  “Does that mean he’ll be home soon?”
“No,” my mother chimed in with a somber tone.  “The doctor put him to sleep. He was dying.” My mother tried to hide her tears.  I was shocked, and ran to my room.

I was stunned!  How could they do that.

Later, after my father was asleep, my mother – who grew up on a farm – explained that she used to see animals die all the time.  “We just tried to make them comfortable,” she told me. “Animals know they are dying. They usually want to be around their people to feel safe, and not in a cold hospital where they don’t know anyone.”

That was her way of telling me that she didn’t agree with my father’s decision.  I was sad for a long time, and vowed that I would never again do that to any pet of mine – and I’ve kept that vow life-long, despite the inconveniences that come with assisting a person or pet in death.  I’ve watched pets – cats, dogs, one pig – get old, stiff, and slow, and then they find a spot to go and die.  I’ve learned to accept this as part of The Way.

I was saddened by what a friend recently told me.  His father, who lives alone, has had a cat for over 10 years. The cat became sick and old and was on its deathbed.  The father – in his 80s – now seemed indifferent to this animal that once was a close friend. He wanted the cat to be taken to a vet and “put to sleep.”  Fortunately, the cat died in peace on its bed in its home.  But I was saddened that a person could be such a fair-weather friend because the dear pet was now dying.

All of life is precious, and we need not push the death process. It comes quick enough. Nor should we fear death.

I’m reminded of the time – precisely 10 years ago – when I was taking care of my wife of 22 years on her deathbed, 24/7.  She died with me by her side, at home. I think the reason that so many people fear death, and want dying people out of sight-out of mind, is because they cannot get into the shoes of the dying person.  The dying person usually wants to be around the people who they were close to in life and not in a sterile hospital. (Yes, I know all situations are different, and sometimes the family simply cannot deal with the demands and pressures of the dying person).

The fact that we have grown so far from this very basic tenet shows how far we have strayed from out most fundamental roots.