The Nature of Love and Relationships

[Nyerges is the author of such books as “How to Survive Anywhere,” “Self-Sufficient Home,” and “Extreme Simplicity.”  He teaches at Pasadena City College and through the School of Self-Reliance. He can be reached at www.SchoolofSelf-Reliance.com.]

 NOTE: This article will appear in Awareness magazine, and has been published in the Sierra Madre Mountain News.  It is part of an unpublished book by Nyerges.

One day I went to the Coffee Gallery in Altadena and started talking with my friend Michael, who was reading a book about love. Love, one of the few topics you can study your entire life and never really “get it.”

“The problem,” I told Michael, as if I knew what I was talking about, “is that we think about this way too much, whereas the animals – at least some animals – don’t think about it. They just act.  The basic fundamentals of what most of us mean by love – protection, providing food for the young, some training – are simply done without all the considering and evaluating and vacillation that humans are so famous for.”

Michael nodded.  He didn’t talk a lot but he listened, and when he spoke, he asked a deep question or he had a pithy comment.

We agreed upon certain things that every human should know about “love” and its many facets and tangents.  A man cannot have more than one woman at a time, whether wife or girlfriend. OK,  some try and seem to get away with it, and some are even involved in consentual polygamy.  But that seems to be  the exception, not the rule.  One woman at a time, period.  That works and other arrangements do not.  Even when people try to have “open” arrangements, they all seem to fail in the long run.

We agreed that the Masai men in Africa might have four wives there and “get away with it,” because that is the social norm.  It is done in plain view with everyone knowing that’s what’s happening.  But it won’t work here.

Don’t have sex if you’re not prepared for children.  Don’t have children until you’re ready to devote the next 15 or so years to them, as a child without involved parents is part of the formula called “How to make a criminal.”

Michael and I agreed on some of these basics, and we occasionally brought up the principles in the “Art of Loving” book by Eric Fromme.

I liked chatting with Michael because he was not dogmatic, and listened in a conversation as much as he talked. It was clear that when we talked, he was seeking answers as much as he was telling me his opinions.

We tried to clarify the difference between “love” and sex in a relationship, and how they are actually very different things. Michael brought up the case of a man who divorced his wife because he learned she’d had plastic surgery, and was therefore not as naturally beautiful as he’d assumed.

“The man was in love with the woman’s body,” said Michael with a bit of anger in his voice. “He wasn’t in love with the person – just her body.”  Unfortunately, we both agreed that most people are hopelessly confused about this, often falling in love with a body and never really getting to know the person inside.  “I mean,” said Michael, “ a meaningful relationship can’t be built on just good looks and sex.  You’ve got to have a lot more going for you than that!”  I agreed.

We tried to define those traits that make a good relationship.  It wasn’t hard. We identified many traits that are desirable, and many that were not.  We both started shouting out the traits as I tried to write them down.  “You’ve gotta really like the other person,” said Michael. “And you absolutely must have some common interests, whether it’s religions, or TV shows, or exercise, or academics.  Something!  And I still don’t know what love is,” laughed Michael, “but I think even more than love is basic respect.  You’ve got to have mutual respect.”  A few people from the next table were listening, and begin to add to our lists. 

Here’s what we came up with:

Things you want in a relationship:

Affinity to one other, for whatever reason. 

Respect.

Communication. We both agreed that men and women can barely communicate with each other because they see the world so differently. But at least – if you want a good relationship – you have to work at communication, and continue to resolve issues whenever they come up.

Courtesy.

Caring about the relationship, per se, and working on it.

Clarification about how you deal with money.

Religion and politics: Some relationships work when there are diverse religious and political beliefs, but it is a strain. Stick to those who share your core beliefs.

Someone who shares your core beliefs about life, hygiene, use of time, etc.

Things you don’t want in a relationship:

Jealousy

Possessiveness

Immaturity

Extreme focus on outward appearances.

Incompatability with money.

Each person always trying to be the Alpha dog.

Lack of cleanliness.  Yes, we agreed that no one wants to live with a slob.

After a while, we realized that neither of us brought up that nebulous word “love,” nor did we include sex in our list. We both agreed that mutual respect is at the top of the list to cultivate, and that jealousy and possessiveness will kill any relationship.

[This essay is part of an unpublished book written by Nyerges, about growing up in Pasadena.  He plans to publish it in the next few years.]

Remembering My Father

[Nyerges is the author of “Til Death Do Us Part?”, a series of stories describing how he and his wife attempted to deal with death in an uplifting manner. The book is available on Kindle, or from School of Self-reliance,  Box 41834, Eagle Rock, CA 90041 or www.ChristopherNyerges.com.]

When my father’s 80^th birthday coincided with Father’s Day some years ago, I wrote a pictorial booklet for my father which outlined key aspects of our life together. It was my way of thanking my father. My wife Dolores and I went to his home after the wild cacophonous family gathering had ended. We didn’t want an audience in an atmosphere of laugher, sarcasm, and possibly ridicule. I only wanted to share the thank you story with my father in a somewhat serious atmosphere.

Dolores and I brought some special foods, put on some music, and I began my short presentation beginning with my earliest significant memories. I shared with him my memories of how he told me I would be an artist when I grew up. He always told me to put my bike and toys away, so "the boogeyman" wouldn’t steal them. As I grew older, I learned that the world was indeed full of very real "boogeymen" and my father attempted to provide me with ways to protect myself against these unsavory elements of life.

I recalled to my father, while my mother and Dolores listened on, the birthday party adventures, getting hair cuts in the garage, and how my father tolerated my interest in mycology and wild edibles.

Everyone found the recounting amusing, even funny, but there were also tears mixed with the laughter. As with most memories, some things my father recalled quite differently from me, and some he didn’t recall at all. Some things that I saw as life-and-death serious, he saw as humorous, and vice versa.

But above it all, I felt I’d finally "connected" with him at age 80 in a way that I’d never managed to do before. My "fathers day card" wasn’t pre-made by a card company, but consisted of my own private and secret memories that I shared with him. I managed to thank him for doing all the things that I took for granted – a roof over my head, meals, an education, a relatively stable home.

Of course, all our family members – "insiders" – knew that my father was no saint. But I was at least acknowledging the good, and sincerely thanking him for it.

My mother died two years later, and we all knew my father would be lost without her. They’d been married over 50 years. His health and activities declined and he finally passed away on the Ides of March a few years later.

Though his death did not come as a surprise – I was nevertheless left feeling his absence. That early Saturday morning when I learned of his death, I even felt parent-less. My view of the world changed and I was forced to acknowledge the limits of life and the futility of pursuing solely a material existence.

After I learned of his death via a phone call, I walked out into the morning rain, in shock, crying, thinking, remembering. I was not feeling cold or wet, and somehow I was protected by that unique state of mind that enshrouded me.

During the next three days, I did as I had done with my mother when she died. I spent the next three days reviewing my life with my father.

At first I allowed the random memories and pain to wash over me. I talked to Frank constantly during those three days, inviting and allowing him to be with me as we did the life review together. I felt his pain, his frustration, his emptiness and loneliness in his last few years of life. I did nothing to stop the pain of this – I allowed myself to feel it all.

I spoke to Frank as I’d speak to anyone living. I felt his presence and even his responses. I did this for myself as much as for Frank and his on-going journey.

I began to see him as a young man, who met, fell in love, and married my mother. Somehow, this was a major revelation to me. I had never seen my own father in that light before. He had simply been "my father." Suddenly, he was a unique individual, with his own dreams, aspirations, and goals. Amazingly, I’d never viewed him in this way during our life together.

And then, after perhaps 12 hours of this, and miles of walking, I began a more chronological review of my life with my father, point by point by significant point. I saw his weaknesses and strengths, as well as my own. As I did this review, I looked for all the things that I’d done right with my father, all the things I’d done wrong, and all the things that I could have done better. I wrote these down, and the "wrong" list was shockingly long. The "right" list only contained a few items!

I asked my father to forgive me, and I resolved to do certain things differently in order to change and improve my character. I know I would not have imposed such a rigor upon myself had it not been for the death of my father.

A week later, when there was the funeral at the church, I felt that I’d come to know my father more than I ever was able to do in life. I briefly shared to the congregation my three days of "being with" my father, and learning what it was like to be Frank, in his shoes, and how we forgave one another.

More importantly, I shared to family and friends gathered that day the importance of constantly finding the time to tell your living loved ones that you indeed love them, not waiting until they die to say the things that you should be saying all along.

I remember Frank now on Father’s Day, and continue to express my heart-felt thanks for all that he – and my mother – gave to me.

Poem: Forgiving Our parents

FORGIVING OUR PARENTS

Christopher Nyerges

[I haven't shared a poem in a while -- I hope you like it]

 

We seldom think that who we are

Is product from backseat car

Or lusty night from smokey bar

And not the son of distant star

We are the product of mom and dad

Their mingled traits both good and bad

We want to think we’re so unique

And so we are, but let us speak

How our child minds did set the stage

For adult us who learned to rage

With pain within we could not gauge

And fears and deficiencies

From hidden fears from early age

We found we could not turn the page

To cure, we had to find a sage

Who maybe helped us, maybe not

Our solution, had to be sought

By choice within, or happened not

And even then, inside we fought

Our inner demons, night and day

Until we got to bright new day

Until we find that we could say

I accept my father who he was

I accept my mother who she was

They lived their life, they did their buzz

They were who they were, just because

I did what I did, I always does

Above my parents did I rise?

Or were their limits born in me

Should I blame them for my own lies

They were my parents, not 2 gods

They made no pretense, they weren’t frauds

I must forgive them, on my own

And for their soul, let cease that moan

They did their best, I am quite sure

No pain intend, from him or her

They lived their life, they tried their best

During Depression, dad came west

Challenge had in time of war

Enough to make their bodies sore

I was not center of their life

Though tried their best in time of strife

The center I’d have liked to been

That I wasn’t, was not sin

Child rarely in parents’ shoes

Sees from parents eyes what they dos

Day in and out, sun rise to set

Bills to pay and job to get

Responsibility, oh boy

My parents sometimes had no joy

I forgive them now in my heart

Though both gone now, I have to start

To have new life, must do my part

To see anew, and wipe eyes clean

Parents forgive, no more mean

Within my mind, internal clean

Release I do bad pictures seen

It’s finally time to let it go

And see instead divine rainbow

Challenges many we all have

Some we fail and some we meet

Time it is for spiritual salve

To lighten mind and stop the heat

To finally learn from our past

Forgive our parents at long last

And with optimistic heart and mind

Seek the truth that is there to find

Not dark webs that would keep us bind

But bright truth light most rad’ant kind

And on that path our answers find

That kingdom within, in our mind

A place real, where we’re no more last

Truly, we can be free at last

080608

No Electricity: Manual Alternatives to Electrical Devices.

NO ELECTRICITY!

Check out my article in the August issue of American Survival Guide, now available. My article is titled “No Electricity, No problem.”  I provide suggestions for a manual counterpart for all (or most) of our electric devices. Having non-electrical devices can improve the quality of our life, and makes us better prepared for emergencies.

Here are a few teasers from the article. 

Today, most of us in the United States – rural or urban – could not imagine life without electricity.   And what a wonderful invention electricity was – tapping nature’s forces and putting them to work for us in myriad ways.  Of course, there is a cost to pay – the money you pay for the electric bill and the fuels that power the system.  And there is also another less obvious “cost” that we have all been paying as our dependence on electrical power constantly increase.  We pay in the loss of really understanding what it means anymore to actually perform a task that would have been routinely done with manual tools a century ago. 

Most people have barely a clue that nearly every task done with electricity has a manual counterpart.   Yes, often this means more physical exertion. Yes, often this means that the task takes longer. Still, when everything was done by hand, there was an individual quality to good produced that is virtually unknown today. 

Being self-reliant is a good thing on many levels, and many pursue such skills with manual tools for its intrinsic deeper value that it  imparts to the user, forcing him or her to slow down and attempt to find meaning in even the mundane.

Because we are so dependent on electricity for everything today, we are also vulnerable.  If there was a widespread grid-down event, or even a localized blackout, many of the functions of daily life that we today take for granted would cease. People might panic, and many would feel helpless.

I strongly suggest you read Ted Koppel’s book “Lights Out” for a look at what might happen to our society if the power was suddenly gone, perhaps as the result of a terrorist act.  (Koppel also provides many solutions).

In your personal life, there are several ways you can build self-reliance into your life. 

One way is to re-think your usage of electricity.  There are basically 3 methods in which you improve the way in which you use electricity:

1. Buy the most energy-efficient appliances you can find.
2. Use your electrical appliances far more efficiently.
3. Forego some electrical devices altogether. Let’s focus now on number 3.

HOME

Lighting:  Lighting is really essential.  If there’s no electricity, there are the old standbys: candles, battery-operated flashlights, lanterns, slush lamps.  There are also light tubes, which are sold at most building supply stores. They bring light into the home through the ceiling during the day so no electric lights are needed.  Don’t forget battery or solar devices for light, as a backup, or for use in the cabin.

Air Conditioning:  In some environments, the AC really drives up the electric bill.  However, using ancient building technology, homes could (and should) be built today that require very little power for cooling (or heating).  If all walls were insulated, including the ceiling, the need for any cooling could be drastically reduced.  Ancient desert homes, and old Spanish missions in California, had thick walls and they remained cool in the summer. Additionally, a roof painted white reflects the heat of the sun, and the house inside is typically 10 to 15 degrees cooler because of this. Houses with large overhangs also help to keep the inside cool in summer.

Heating:  Again, a heavily-insulated home requires far less heating to keep warm in winter. (I’ve documented a lot of this in my “Self-Sufficient Home” book).  A small wood stove may be all that is needed to keep a well-insulated home warm.

There are other passive methods that could (and should) be used so that less power is needed to keep a house cool or warm, such as aligning the house, and windows, to take advantage of sunlight and prevailing wind currents.

LOTS MORE IN THE ARTICLE…. American Survival Guide is available at news-stands, or you can subscribe  at Engaged Media, 800-764-6278, or subscriptions@engagedmedia.com. Back issues available from www.engagedmediamags.com.